Worst Albums Of 2019
5. Steel Panther – Heavy Metal Rules
If you’ve never heard of Steel Panther, let me explain the joke to you. You know 80’s hair metal right? Well, they sound like that, but…get this…they’re doing it in the modern day!!! And the audience roll over in laughter. At least, that’s what Steel Panther seem to think. Indeed, they’ve been beating this particular dead horse for five albums now, and are showing no signs of granting us mercy, realising that the scant amount of humour that existed in the gimmick to begin with, has now utterly evaporated, leaving only crap jokes, bad hair, and a glitter soaked trail of boredom.
4. Puddle Of Mudd – Welcome to Galvania
‘Oh no they fucked it up again’. Shame on me, I guess, for presuming we would get anything substantive or mature from Wes Scantlin and co. While I’m happy their frontman is trying to clean his act up, his antics of swearing at the audience and storming off stage, were at least worth talking about. Of the list of comebacks we saw in 2019 – MCR, Rage against the machine – Puddle of Mudd did not need to add their name to the list. The truth is they’ve never produced anything of real worth, and are a mostly forgotten trend from post-grunge. Now, they should assuredly stay there. In their own words, everything’s so blurry, everything’s so fake.
3. Skillet – Victorious
Only the fabled prophet Lemmy may ever truly know how the lord reacted on the day he first heard Victorious. Yet trending wisdom foretells, he wept at his mistake and cursed the day he created Christian metal. From that day forth our master in heaven vowed to never again scorch the earth with a foe as destructive as Skillet. Sat on his throne in paradise he contemplated how anyone should be able to share in the joys of Metal regardless of their religion. He remembered how Lucifer, citing punk as an influence, had led a rebellion against the angels. Smiling his wry, godly smile the lord realised that the Devil might have the greatest music after all
2. Papa Roach – Who Do You Trust?
Those of you who read my end of year lists in 2018, will know that my lack of hope in mainstream rock to produce anything substantive, is thankfully ignorable due to the diverseness of the genre. Papa Roach is, of course, a charting act of the Nu-metal era. Characterised almost entirely by the ‘Cut My Life into Pieces’ meme, their brand of angst has not exactly held up gracefully. Yet give them this, their later years have seen them at least trying to mature and adapt. However, they always lacked the creativity, and Who Do You Trust? Is yet another example of them straddling the line between guarding that acerbic Papa Roach attitude, and desperately trying to stay relevant.
1. AJR – Neotheater
AJR are not clever, subtle or talented. Such is the depth of their hubristic arrogance, they pose to be outside the mainstream, while being distrusted by Disney, and jamming every insufferable trend in existence into their, awful ear grating, brand – yes, not band, brand. They don’t so much as deserve to be shunned from the world of pop rock, as to be shoved in a space capsule, and catapulted towards the nearest supermassive black hole. Having to spend time with this album became actively grating upon each listen. I am done wasting time with these money-grubbing, pandering, lame excuses for musicians.
5. Steel Panther – Heavy Metal Rules
If you’ve never heard of Steel Panther, let me explain the joke to you. You know 80’s hair metal right? Well, they sound like that, but…get this…they’re doing it in the modern day!!! And the audience roll over in laughter. At least, that’s what Steel Panther seem to think. Indeed, they’ve been beating this particular dead horse for five albums now, and are showing no signs of granting us mercy, realising that the scant amount of humour that existed in the gimmick to begin with, has now utterly evaporated, leaving only crap jokes, bad hair, and a glitter soaked trail of boredom.
4. Puddle Of Mudd – Welcome to Galvania
‘Oh no they fucked it up again’. Shame on me, I guess, for presuming we would get anything substantive or mature from Wes Scantlin and co. While I’m happy their frontman is trying to clean his act up, his antics of swearing at the audience and storming off stage, were at least worth talking about. Of the list of comebacks we saw in 2019 – MCR, Rage against the machine – Puddle of Mudd did not need to add their name to the list. The truth is they’ve never produced anything of real worth, and are a mostly forgotten trend from post-grunge. Now, they should assuredly stay there. In their own words, everything’s so blurry, everything’s so fake.
3. Skillet – Victorious
Only the fabled prophet Lemmy may ever truly know how the lord reacted on the day he first heard Victorious. Yet trending wisdom foretells, he wept at his mistake and cursed the day he created Christian metal. From that day forth our master in heaven vowed to never again scorch the earth with a foe as destructive as Skillet. Sat on his throne in paradise he contemplated how anyone should be able to share in the joys of Metal regardless of their religion. He remembered how Lucifer, citing punk as an influence, had led a rebellion against the angels. Smiling his wry, godly smile the lord realised that the Devil might have the greatest music after all
2. Papa Roach – Who Do You Trust?
Those of you who read my end of year lists in 2018, will know that my lack of hope in mainstream rock to produce anything substantive, is thankfully ignorable due to the diverseness of the genre. Papa Roach is, of course, a charting act of the Nu-metal era. Characterised almost entirely by the ‘Cut My Life into Pieces’ meme, their brand of angst has not exactly held up gracefully. Yet give them this, their later years have seen them at least trying to mature and adapt. However, they always lacked the creativity, and Who Do You Trust? Is yet another example of them straddling the line between guarding that acerbic Papa Roach attitude, and desperately trying to stay relevant.
1. AJR – Neotheater
AJR are not clever, subtle or talented. Such is the depth of their hubristic arrogance, they pose to be outside the mainstream, while being distrusted by Disney, and jamming every insufferable trend in existence into their, awful ear grating, brand – yes, not band, brand. They don’t so much as deserve to be shunned from the world of pop rock, as to be shoved in a space capsule, and catapulted towards the nearest supermassive black hole. Having to spend time with this album became actively grating upon each listen. I am done wasting time with these money-grubbing, pandering, lame excuses for musicians.